But You're Still So Young: an interview with Kayleen Schaefer
Kayleen's new book delves into what it really means to be in your 30s, flirty, and thriving
I met Kayleen Schaefer on a writing retreat a few years ago, when I was still in my twenties. So when she told me she was writing about the redefining of what it means to be in one’s thirties, I admit I simply nodded shyly, not knowing how to respond.
Little did I know that her book, But You’re Still So Young, would come out when I was in my 30s, when I would need it most. And to be honest, based on how I’ve seen some millennials respond to Gen Z, I think a lot of people would benefit from reading it.
I cannot recommend it enough. The stories in it are joyful, depressing, suspenseful, exciting — but most of all, they feel real. I don’t remember the last time I read such refreshing tales about adults doing their best and making their way through life without the pressures of following lifestyle or fashion trends. They’re — we’re — not breaking the mold; we just plain don’t need it anymore.
Below is a lightly edited GChat conversation with Kayleen about her book:
Kayleen Schaefer: word of warning: I've NEVER done an interview on chat before
Sulagna Misra: Me neither! You're a good writer, so I'm sure you'll do great
Kayleen Schaefer: haha
Sulagna Misra: SPEAKING OF WHICH
YOUR BOOK
a revelation
I really appreciated how you wrote about the pandemic in the book, btw
You weren't maudlin or trying to reminisce before it was time
Kayleen Schaefer: Thank you!Â
I turned in a first draft of the book in Feb 2020
then of course you know what happened in March
So I had to try to figure out what the pandemic would mean in the long-term and address it
I rewrote at least half (if not more) of the book
Sulagna Misra: Oh, wow. That's so much work!
I wonder how it affected the book because there's definitely a tone of "all stories are unfinished" in the book that felt really honest and authentic. It made me trust that you would tell the stories of the people in the book without judgement or tidiness
Kayleen Schaefer: I'm glad you liked that they weren't tidy!
I think I wasn't sure where they should end and it was hard for me to know when to stop
But then of course I realized that the message of the whole book is that we're never really done. We have to keep going.
Sulagna Misra: And it really highlights how this book is the antithesis of another book you mention
The Defining Decade by Meg Jay
Kayleen Schaefer: yes, my book is the complete opposite
But even so, The Defining Decade is a really good book
like it's really persuasive
I just don't happen to agree
and wanted to write a book that told people it's ok to take their time
it's a lot of pressure to call one decade in your life the defining one
And I think that you should have to do anything or make any decisions that are lead only by your age — does that makes sense?
Like I'm age X, I should do X
Sulagna Misra: Yeah, I used to do that a ton in my 20s, as did some of my friends. When I was reading this book, I thought: I want my friends to read this book!
There's just a beautiful flow to this book. I read this in two days, it was so compelling
Kayleen Schaefer: I'm grinning!
That's what I always want to do
Sometimes I feel insecure because people will say my work is "accessible" (someone said that the other day)
but honestly that's my goal. why should it be difficult to read? like why would I want that?
Sulagna Misra: Ugh, exactly. I feel like sometimes books that are difficult to read -- especially nonfiction -- are more interested in prestige than being useful and informative.
Another thing I wanted to ask you about is, where were you in terms of your story when you started this book?
Because we're friends and I follow you on Instagram, I had some spoilers...
Kayleen Schaefer: ha that's funny, the idea of Instagram spoilers
As a writer who puts herself in her work, you have to sort of let go of the idea of like staying in the period in time in which you wrote the book
I think women are asked to put themselves in their work and represent it personally more than men, which I have thoughts about it, but that's another topic
Sulagna Misra: I liked how much your story also surprised me!
Of course I related to a lot of your aspects of your freelance life
Kayleen Schaefer: The work / ambition stuff is so hard because it can be all consuming
I really did think that once I figured out my career and had savings my personal life would just fall into place perfectly.
I think a lot of people want that, like an anchor.
Sulagna Misra: I also feel like it can be related to financial stability -- though that seems like a hard expectation to have as a young single person these days.
Like, to be independently stable before having a partner.
Oh! That reminds me -- how did you find the people you spoke to?
Kayleen Schaefer: For sure. I think that's important for women and men, to be able to stand on your own before tying yourself to a romantic partner.
I did initial phone calls with 50 people, but just quick chats, so I could get a sense of where they were in their lives, but also how they talked and if they seemed like they'd be open with me, a total stranger.
And then I narrowed from there, picking people who I thought would be willing to share all of themselves, but also be working toward or thinking about one of the milestones and also I wanted all kinds of diversity: race, where they lived, income, religion, sexuality, gender…
Sulagna Misra: That makes me think of the stats you included. They really packed an emotional punch. I got really upset reading about the stats around the GI Bill and how African American veterans were blocked in many ways from accessing that benefit.
Kayleen Schaefer: I got upset too when I was doing that reporting.Â
Sulagna Misra: I'd always heard so much about the GI Bill in school, but of course we never learned that.
In fact, all your reporting around the 1950s and the nostalgia of that time -- and that kind of adulthood -- was refreshingly straightforward.
I feel like people use the TV version of that time almost like a cudgel against change, diversity, or the "messiness" of life
Kayleen Schaefer: Yep, I kept hearing that it was a simpler time.Â
But it was only simpler for white people and, really, white cis men.
And it was 70 years ago at this point!
Sulagna Misra: Yes! I really appreciate how diverse the stories were in this book in contrast
I felt like I really saw myself in them.Â
Thanks for writing it.
Buy Kayleen’s book But You’re Still So Young: Bookshop | Barnes & Noble | Amazon.
I’m doing more interviews with writers and novelists and just plain interesting people these days. Reply to this email or email me at sulagnamisracontact@gmail.com if you want to talk about your newly (or oldly) published book; a book we both loved and read; or just plain fun internet stuff.