Shame, ADHD, and me
I wrote about my experiences with shame and ADHD, without shame, and it was nice
I wrote this article, which finally came out last week. It took a lot of work and 3-4 weeks of edits. It wasn’t grueling, or anything – but the piece did not go where I thought it would go. And it was about me!
I was going to write about how writing that piece made me feel. It reminded me of how I always felt like an insider, about deprogramming my shame sensors, about how, when I read Helen Hoang’s novels, which all feature characters with autism, I related hard to their sense of alienation and always feeling like there was something wrong with them before I went on ADHD meds.
But that’s a whole other essay, and I’d rather you just read the article.
I would like instead to make two lists: one, a list of things shame feels like, and two, a list of things that make recently made me feel shame (whether justified or not).
Shame feels like:
1. An ice pick to the brain.
2. Like a scar across your face that suddenly pulses.
3. A kick in the gut.
4. Like someone is pinching your whole body, all at once.
5. Like pinpricks in your stomach. Like butterflies, but with claws. Like crows. Like a murder of crows in your stomach.
6. Like someone turned the thermostat up on my face.
Ugh, I don’t really like conjuring up the feeling in myself to get an accurate metaphor. I’m better at them on the fly. Would love to hear your metaphors on it.
Things that recently made me feel shame:
1. Cancelling a doctor’s appointment at the last minute.
2. Forgetting my Metrocard with at least $12 on it at a Houston hotel.
3. Not playing with my cat at 5 am when she wanted to play.
4. Getting tired of playing when we do play because she doesn’t bring back her sock ball toy so I have to ran around the apartment for it.
5. Having to ask for directions multiple times at a museum.
6. Being snapped at when I was standing too close to a painting at a museum.
7. Crying because I felt sad and tired. (?? Why was I ashamed of this??)
8. Not riding my bike.
9. Not being able to sleep.
10. Then, sleeping late the next day when I did get to sleep.
11. Missing a friend.
12. Disliking someone who was mean to me.
13. Letting someone be mean to me because I didn’t know how to react otherwise in the moment.
14. Complimenting a woman on the elevator who sneered at my dress when I got on the elevator because I was so confused at her reaction and wanted to say something nice so I wasn’t sitting with the image of her disdainful look on her face. Then being validated by hearing her harried bark of thanks 😈
15. Buying one of those things that help you sleep on a plane, but one that blows up, which I then tried to blow up after boarding the plane because I didn’t have the time to do it before getting on the plane. “Why didn’t I just buy the puffy ones?” I thought, angrily. But then it worked and it was nice I got a blow-up one because then I could wear it with my headphones, mask, and eye mask without feeling like someone swaddled my whole face like I was an Ancient Egyptian pharaoh being prepared for mummification. (I don’t know enough about Egyptian peasants being prepared about mummification to know if that metaphor tracks across class in Ancient Egypt.)
16. Not knowing enough about Ancient Egyptian pharaohs even though I watched this today.
That’s all I can remember right now. That’s about a few days’ worth of shame, I think. The number is WAY down compared to where it was a few months ago, and way down compared to what it was a year ago. I’d love to hear what you’d put down if you had to make a list.
And of course, I’d love to hear what you thought about the article :)